


It's all your fault (You called me beautiful)

by givebackmylifecas



Series: Quote Inspirations [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dean Has Abandonment Issues, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, Episode: s12e20 Twigs and Twine and Tasha Banes, Fluffy Ending, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Needy Dean, Panic Attacks, Season/Series 12, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-28 13:27:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10832217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givebackmylifecas/pseuds/givebackmylifecas
Summary: Post s12e19/s12e20:Dean is worried about Castiel and doesn't know how to deal with the Angel having left him again, but Castiel will always return to his Hunter.





	It's all your fault (You called me beautiful)

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by the lyrics "It's all your fault / You called me beautiful" from the P!NK song "It's all your fault"
> 
> Very mild reference to self-harm, trigger warning for mention of panic attacks

Dean had watched Castiel walk away from him many times and if he could admit it to himself, he would say that this time hurt the most. Watching Castiel hold hands with Kelly Kline and whatever Devil’s Spawn she had growing inside of her was bad enough, but when Cas stepped towards him, fingers outstretched to knock Dean out, he had a split-second of eye-contact. And he knew it wasn’t his Cas looking back at him.

That _thing_ had changed his angel. This was no longer the angel who healed Dean’s wounds with a gentle caress, simply because he didn’t want to see Dean suffer, the one who had held Dean when Mary left to find herself and all Dean had found was broken pieces of himself, the angel who had kissed Dean softly, stroked his hair and told Dean he was the most beautiful person on the planet when he saw the old scars running up and down Dean’s arms. That person, the one Dean loved so fiercely it scared him, was gone. Replaced by a mindless puppet that Dean had already seen once before and had no wish to see again.

Yet here Dean was, pacing the bunker while Sam attempted to reassure him with pointless platitudes and vague assurances that Cas would be fine, he always was after all.

The witch hunt was a welcome distraction, Dean was tired of listening to Sam use the same phrases over and over again to reassure him and his mom hadn’t been in contact, as per usual.

When they finished the case, and returned to the Bunker, it was late and Sam almost immediately excused himself to go to bed. Dean attempted to do the same, but in the end all he managed was to work himself into such a state of anxiety by thinking about all the harm that could be befalling Cas, that he was having trouble breathing and was on the brink of a full-on panic attack.

All of his thoughts circled around dark visions of Cas once again at Lucifer’s mercy while Dean watched helplessly, like the worthless, puny, human-being he really was.

He pressed his hands to his face, hoping to keep at bay the onslaught of tears, his eyes were threatening to unleash as his breathing became rapidly more shallow and uneven. He thought of all the panic-attacks he had had in the past and how many of them Cas had held him through and he thought he might pass out from the pain of the thought of Cas wrapping his arms around Kelly Kline, when suddenly:

“Hello Dean.”

Dean whirled when the voice spoke and when he saw Cas standing in front of him, rumpled and wonderful as ever, he failed completely in his attempt not to cry. The tears went running down his face as Cas stepped towards him and wrapped him in the embrace Dean had so sorely missed.

Cas still smelled the same, like some holy mix of sunshine and petrichor and Dean breathed in as much of the scent as he could, even as he struggled to draw breath.

“Shh, en olapireta. It is okay, I am here.”, he heard Cas murmur into his hair and the words warmed him like a ray of sunlight.

Finally, he managed to disentangle himself from Cas.

“Cas, how are you here? Why are you here?”, Dean asked. Although he was angry, he couldn’t bring himself to completely let go of Castiel, so he entangled their fingers.

Castiel smiled softly at him. “I am here because you need me Dean, I always come when you call and your soul was screaming for me. As for how I am here, Lucifer’s child already possesses a great deal of power, even from within the womb and when I explained to him my reason for needing to see you, he did what he could to help.”

Dean shook his head. “I don’t understand you, Cas. That thing is Lucifer’s child and not only do you want to let it keep all of its power, you are letting it control you, just like Naomi controlled you.”

Castiel flexed his hands almost involuntarily, his fingers tightening around Dean’s. “No Dean, you do not understand. This child is nothing like Naomi was, for one thing, he would never ask me to hurt you. And also, he is the child of Lucifer, but like Lucifer used to be. Like he was before his fall, before his hate and jealousy corrupted him. Lucifer was supposed to be the bringer of light and his child will fulfil that destiny.”

Dean looked up at his angel and although he still saw someone different, someone full of a purpose that Castiel hadn’t had in a long time, he still recognised his Cas behind that, the Cas who does truly care for him.

“I guess if you truly believe this is the way forward then I’m with you, Cas. I’ve turned against you too many times and each time all it’s done is push you further away. But, I’m going to be honest with you, I can’t do it again, losing you again will kill me, Cas. So if I have your back and I trust that you know what you’re doing then you can’t… you can’t..” Dean broke off to wipe tears from his face, every word he said, he meant. He couldn’t lose his angel again.

“I can’t what, Dean?”, Cas asked, pulling Dean closer to him again.

Dean sniffed and allowed Castiel to wrap his arms around him again. “You can’t keep leaving Cas, you just can’t! Because one minute you’re here and you’re with me and you’re saying stuff, like that you love me and that a grunt like me is smart and beautiful – even though we both know that’s bullshit – and the next you’re gone and I don’t know how to breathe anymore and I can’t do it again, Cas!”

When Dean finished talking, Cas gazed at him for a long moment before drawing Dean even closer and kissing him with all his might, before they broke apart and Castiel took Dean’s face in his hands.

“Dean, I cannot promise there won’t be a time we are not apart. But what I can promise is that I will always, always come back to you and that everything I tell you when we are together is the sacred truth, because there is no one better and smarter and more beautiful than you, do you understand me?”

“Yes.”, Dean breathed and then they were crashing together again and Dean thought that if he could pick his last night on Earth, then this was how he wanted it to go, because nothing was better than being held in his angel’s arms and being told that after all his mistakes he was still worthy.

And when the next day, Sam wondered why Cas had suddenly reappeared and why no one was going to offer him an explanation for it, he decided to ignore that in favour of seeing just how happy his brother was, when he heard Cas whisper something that sounded suspiciously like the Enochian for “beautiful” in his ear.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you didn't think this was completely awful, drop me a Kudos or Comment if you liked it (or even if you hated it) or stop by my tumblr @givebackmylifecas if you want to say hi.


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